JenVan

After being diagnosed with depression my doctor wanted to see if my problems were steming from the birth control I take . At her advice , I stopped taking the pills and I also began taking St. Johns Wort & Vitamin D pills everyday . I really feel these changes are making a difference . I feel very motivated today , and I had more energy (or maybe more effort) to get up and workout - I’m even going to go job hunt today ! Things seem to be improving slowly, maybe I’m just having a good day - but at least today is good !!

I promised myself I wouldnt step on the scale this week - I would just forget about the weight factor and try to eat healthy foods. But I did get on the scale - and appaently I have put on about 10 pounds this month.

I dont know how that happened- I understand that I’m eating more partcially because of the depression but I can’t help but feel that putting back on that much extra weight is only going to ‘fuel the fire’ as far as negative thinking goes. I feel like im constantly fighting with myself here - I dont want to gain more weight. I also don’t want to be a person who sais that she was ‘bad’ today because she didnt workout or eat well … but I feel bad !!! I let myself down , I really cared about my health and now its like this constant burden that I would rather ignore - but if I ignore it I end up putting on 10 pounds !!! I dont want to beat myself up about this but I really can’t help but do so - I know this weight gain IS my fault - and now I have to sit here and live with it . I guess I’ll go for a run now.

To end on a positive note … at least I have an outlet for these thoughts now - usually im so in my head about my weight and health - its probobly best that I air out my mind every once and a while.

With the day not going perfectly - I am happy that I was able to stick to my diet and exercise plan today - which was not bad at all ! I have set some realistic goals for myself and I feel good knowing that I have an action plan.

 My Goals for this week…

-take vitamins (doc suggested st.johns wart & vitamin D )
-control my snacking (healthy , fresh snacks - one AM, one PM)
-eat healthy, freshly prepared meals - no ‘instant’ food … I have the time to cook !  
-exercise for 30 minutes everyday ( or more if I have the energy)
-job hunt
-NOT weigh myself .. not even once ! (Hahah - this ones a challenge)
-don’t beat myself up all the time ! Relax  !!!( life isn’t black & white)

 Another goal I have is to learn to control my  cravings - especially around sweets and junk food. But im not putting this on my weekly list because I think its implied by the healthy fresh meals - but bascially it means keeping out of the cookies chocolate, chips & starbucks drinks !!!

I would say that in my life I have had many ‘moments’ that I can look back on and say “that point right there changed the way I live”. Well – right now seems to be one of those points. In the past, I would say that a lot of my most remembered moments were happy ones – ones that helped me grow and develop into the person I now am. I’m not so sure that this point is quiet the same.

I recently left my school, job, apartment, and friends to move back home with my parents. According to my doctor I am suffering from clinical depression. This has been a very hard concept to accept – and I am still learning a lot about how depression is affecting my life. With this in mind; living at home is better than living on my own because I do need support- but living at home means having to live with my families unhealthy lifestyle choices (which used to also be mine).

In November 2007 (one of those ‘moments’) I decided I was done being overweight and unhappy – so I started exercising and eating healthy. This was actually pretty easy for me, and I was very successful and happy with my choice. I had never been into sports & no one had ever taught me how to eat healthy – but I really enjoyed running and nutrition actually became a hobby for me.  I managed to lose about 25 pounds in the first 4 months. I found a lifestyle I truly loved – and I embraced my new self and choices with open arms. Then somewhere along the way things changed. I became obsessed with weight loss and calories – and I eventually suffered a major hip injury from excessive exercise. During my 4 month recovery I became even more obsessive about what I was eating and how I looked ( I couldn’t exercise so I was at the mercy of my appetite and my natural metabolism) . My goals couldn’t be met – and I was disappointed. I eventually got back on my feet (literally) and started running again- determined to lose the rest of my ‘excess’ weight. That was August 2007.

Since August 2007 I have tried pretty much everything to stay healthy. I was a college student who didn’t party, drink ,or eat greasy burger and fries with my buddies– but instead woke up at 5:30 every morning to go to the gym for an hour before classes & focused on grades, working hard and keeping ‘on track’. This isn’t a bad thing – but let me give some advice to anyone who may read this … if you think you can over work yourself mentally and/or physically for very long you are very wrong. At least that was the case for me; I suffered a nervous breakdown and afterwards everything changed (that was December).

Instead of returning to school – where I was at the top of my class … I quit and decided to find a full time job. But as my therapist recently pointed out there was no way I could be working full-time since I am depressed and cannot concentrate & break into tears for no particular reason. So, I moved home – and here I am jobless, with very few things to look forward to in life. This is a lot I know – bear with me! …

My family eats whatever they want (moms a sugar freak, dad likes salty snacking, and little sis is a fast food junkie) Where does this leave me? Well – I like to eat healthy but I have a lot of problems with temptations because I learned to eat healthy WITHOUT any temptations. Apparently (a new discovery into my personality -) when there is any form of sugar, snack or junk food in front of me – I am powerless to its temptation.  In less than a month I have put on 10 pounds – and I am very afraid that I am on the verge of putting on all the weight I lost (and then some). I am going through a lot right now – and the last thing I need or want is to become unhealthy and self conscious.

I need this community; I really do. I need to feel support and progress, and I need to learn to love myself again (this isn’t all about weight and diet – but I can’t ignore that it is an important part of caring for one’s self.). So after all of the information I just threw out for complete strangers to read all I can really finish with is this – ‘It’s only after we have lost everything that we are truly free’. Alright! I have lost pretty much everything – it’s time to rebuild, time to learn from my mistakes and it’s time to be healthy!